This Won’t Work

Trust us. We tried it and it didn’t

Trader Joe’s: Friend, or Foe?

by Janet on November 17, 2009 · 0 comments

In preparation for hosting book group the other day, I hied myself off for a shopping run through Trader Joe’s. Now, while there, I did buy some frozen turkey meatballs which will be a fab, low-fat thing to pack in my lunch. However, I figured that I could buy some sweet treats for my book-ish girfriends. I bought some milk-chocolate macadamia nut crisp cookies. I bought the cutest, teeny weeniest little peanut butter cups. They were no bigger than my thumbnail. Adorable! How many calories could one have? None! So that’s why I ate a few handfuls. Individually, they were nothing. I simply chose to ignore the collective noun properties.

I don’t expect that this will work. I fear that tomorrow’s Number will be higher than I want.

Buying treats for others: don’t do this. Unless they’re shrink wrapped and sealed and will explode if anyone other than the recipient opens the package.

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Diet Strategies That Do Not Work

by betsy on August 4, 2009 · 7 comments

I’ve road-tested these babies–we’re talking thousands upon thousands of miles here–and can tell you conclusively that the following diet strategies absolutely, positively Do Not Work.

* Eating all the bad stuff so I can ready my Body-As-Temple for the good stuff:  Yes, indeedy, I’m gonna hop right on the Eat Right Train–just as soon as polish off that pesto pasta, Chunky Monkey, prosciutto rolls, leftover poker candy, pastitsio, flan….No point in letting that crap hang around to tempt me, right?

* Postponing joy:  I’m a cookie!  I’m right over here!  Betsy, come get me!  Did I mention I’m a cookie!  C’mere!  C’mere! I know I should not have the cookie.  I will not have the cookie.  So I have an apple instead; it’s filling, it’s fiber.  Hey, Bets, here I am!  Honey, let’s do it! So I have some hummus and carrots–more fiber.  Psst!  Over here! And a few tablespoons of peanut butter–protein fills you up.  Baby, you know you want me! So I have three slices of Swiss cheese–more protein.  Girlfriend!  Yo! So I have a small handful of chocolate morsels to quiet the sugar craving.  Right here on the floor, baby, right now! Okay, fine, might as well just eat the goddamn cookie.

*  Trying to buck Physics 101:  Mass does not equal calories.  That lil piece of fudge is so teeny-tiny, why, I can eat ten of ‘em!  Three handfuls of peanuts don’t weigh as much as an apple!  That runny Brie is so spreadable it hardly takes up any real estate at all!  Soon it’s F = ma:  The force of pounding down high-calorie treats equals the mass of said treats at an accelerated pace. Which leads to Physics 505:  bad-food calories exert black-hole-like gravitational pull on one’s own mass, increasing it exponentially with uni-directional vector force.

*  Trying to sneak in evil stuff behind enemy lines:  Create a base layer of celery, maybe an apple.  Then–quick!  The guards aren’t looking!–swallow that cupcake and some kettle chips.  Then layer it with more celery, some carrots, and a creamy, pleasingly opaque layer of nonfat yogurt.  No one will know!  We move at dawn!

*  Judying:  Back in my college days, we had a stunningly gorgeous, jonquil-slim friend named Judy whose BB (bad boyfriend) had convinced her that she was not, in fact, stunningly gorgeous and jonquil slim. (I believe he even bandied about the “F” word.)  Judy would therefore bring a Spartanly accessorized dinner plate to our communal dining hall get-togethers, hoping to make a meal out of three peas and a carrot coin.  Then, starving, she’d fork up odds and ends from our entrees, on the theory that whatever she hadn’t loaded onto her plate didn’t have any calories.  Hence the verb “to Judy”.  Today Judy is STILL a stunningly gorgeous and jonquil-slim adult and no doubt has outgrown Wayward Fork Syndrome.  I’m still Judying.

* Operation Desert Camel Storm:  Okay, water weight loss isn’t real weight loss.  Still, looks kinda good on the scale, yes? I’m sure my kidneys won’t mind at all if I derive all bodily moisture solely from chewing Extra gum for the next few weeks, maybe throw in a sauna or two.

* Almost Atkins:  Mmmmm.  Bacon and eggs for brekkie.  Deli roll-ups of roast beef, turkey, and salami for lunch.  Tuna with mayo for dinner.  Ha ha, carbs, take that!  This diet is a snap!  I can feel the feral puma breath of ketosis coming on already!  Now I think I’ll just have this little cinnamon roll, maybe just a few potato chips, some sushi rolls.  Oh, God, N-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!!  The carbs ripped away the membrane holding back all that fat.  It’s coming!  It’s on me!  The horror!

* Not eating until 3:00 pm:  I’ll just save up all my caloric ration for later in the day and enjoy a veritable feast after the 2:00 marketing meeting (wow, my bottom line lost HOW much?), the crappy commute, and coming home to the crabby kids and the messy house. It’ll be no problem to come to a full stop after one big mamma-jamma meal. Willpower’s never let me down before!

I default to these can’t-win strategies with the same indomitable spirit (fiftieth time’s the charm!) that draws Charlie Brown’s foot to Lucy’s football, Lindsay Lohan to presidential kneepad leggings and SamRo, Paris Hilton to the recording studio.  IT’S GONNA WORK GREAT THIS TIME!  Even as I’m warming the lasagna–to get rid of it so I can start trimming calories–I know it’s a bad plan.  And yet, here I go again.  Why?  Why?  Until functional MRIs decode my neurons afire, it shall remain a Blessed Mystery.

What’s your favorite failed strategy?  Weigh in below!

xxoo,

Betsy

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