Goopish Glowy Skin Crap Cleanse

I was fossicking around on the interwebs when this article from The Daily Green:  The Consumer’s Guide to the Green Revolution caught my eye: http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/latest/gywneth-paltrow-diet-detox

One of the staffers had decided to try the latest diet detox from Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP newsletter.  She ended up swapping out some ingredients (as did we; see below), but her verdict?  This cleanse delivers:  glowy skin, sky-high energy.

We want us some of that.

Now I know that Ms. Paltrow is much-maligned for what some perceive as socioeconomic tone deafeness for some of her newsletter’s entries (a “stylish Mulberry Weekend Bag, Small Clipper,” for $1,395?), I give her mad props for the effort. She’s genuinely passionate about organic living, non-doctrinaire about vegetarianism, and, well, kind.  Also, I want her glowy skin.  So Janet and I are gonna give her cleanse a try.

First we checked out the original GOOP Cleanse Diet inspired by Gwyneth’s interview with Organic Avenue co-founder Denise Mari:

http://goop.com/newsletter/64/en/

Okay, whoa.  Clearly some pre-shopping is in order.  Here are the basics (besides vegetables and herbs) you need to get:

• Green Powder—Doc Broc or an equivalent (see below)
• Aloe Vera juice
• Himalayan Pink Salt (optional; see below)
• Alkaline water
• PuripHy pH drops or equivalent (see below)
• Stevia sweetener
• Liquid Chlorophyll
• Young Thai coconut meat or equivalent (see below)
• Young Thai coconut water or equivalent (see below)
• Raw coconut milk or equivalent (see below)
• Soy Sprout Powder (see below)

Janet used these websites:

http://www.phmiracleliving.com/p-378-doc-brocs-power-plants.aspx

http://www.organicavenue.com/products/index.php?cPath=353_366&sort=2a&page=1

I decided to see what I could buy in person at Whole Foods, Mrs. Green’s and Trader Joe’s.  Here’s my tally so far:

Vibrant Health Green Vibrance 172.5 grams for $25.99 (There was no Doc Broc Green Powder in Mrs. Green’s or Whole Foods; the Mrs. Green’s clerk told me this was their version)

Lily of the Desert Aloe Vera Juice 32 ounces for $7.99

Himalayan Pink Salt: 9 ounces for $6.99 Okay, I fell for this.  Got home and felt like a moron—but it was so pretty, Mom, pink crystals!  But how much of a big whomping stomping carbon footprint does this baby leave—and I have sea salt at home.  What’s the big diff here?

Alkazone Alkaline Booster with Antioxidant:  1.2 ounces for—gak–$24.99.  This is Whole Food’s version of PuripHy pH Drops.  Jesus.

Pure Via Stevia:  5.6 ounces for $6.99  Got home and realized that this wasn’t bulk, so I’ll have to rip open a zillion packets to get the quarter-cup for the recipe.

World Organic Liquid Chlorophyll 50 mg  16 ounces for $9.59

Whole Foods Medium Flake Coconut:  6 ounces for $1.99.  Because, no, Whole Foods doesn’t have “young Thai coconut meat”.  Maybe I’ll buy a real coconut and deal with it; that could be fun.

Items to punt:  Can’t find “raw coconut milk,” so I’m substituting Trader Joe Light Coconut milk.  Can’t find Soy Sprout Powder, so I’ll use a handful of soy sprouts in the blender.  Can’t find pHour Salts; I figure the capital outlay of $24.99 for the alkaline booster pH correction thingey is enough. Also gonna punt alkaline water, on the theory that alkalining my own water is good enough.

Yeah, I’m a little startled by the total capital outlay so far—and I haven’t even bought the vegetables.  But still, it’s cheaper than buying the whole shebang from Organic Avenue itself, where the LOVE*young Cleanse will set you back $500

http://www.organicavenue.com/products/index.php?cPath=467

Vegetables, Etc.

• spinach
• celery
• cucumbers
• romaine lettuce
• parsley
• avocado (remember to buy these early so they have time to ripen)
• grapefruit juice
• mint
• carrots
• shallots
• orange juice
• garlic
• ginger
• miso
• arugula
• baby spinach
• baby greens
• yellow squash
• zucchini
• broccoli
• cauliflower
• cherry tomatoes
• virgin olive oil
• lemon juice

START DATE:  SATURDAY, MARCH 13, 2010

CAFFEINE CODICIL: Um, I don’t think we’re supposed to have coffee, but Janet and I have decided that we’ll have as much green tea as we want.

CHECK WITH YOUR HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL: Make sure your top doc okays you with all these supplements, etc.  Share this plan and get the go-ahead.

Who’s with us?

xxoo,

Betsy

GGSCC Post-Mortem

I concluded 5 days of Goopish Glowy Skin Crap Cleanse. In said 5 days, I went from a starting weight of 142.6 to 135.6, for a total loss of 7 pounds in 5 days. A bit too much too fast, actually, since I felt pretty weak this morning.

The pros:

*  Pleasing weight loss without hunger and healthful consumption of massive quantities of veggies

*  Aforementioned plying of favorite hobbies: feeling sorry for myself and exhibiting moral superiority over non-cleansed so-called “equals”

* Yes, actually glowy-like skin, as in, compliments from friends who didn’t know I was on this cleanse. As we walked downtown, Kate said, “Mommy, that man was checking you out!”  Checking. Me. Out.

*  Amusing green trainage (yes, I know, TMI) and ability to gross friends out with display of post-chlorophyll-shot tongue

The cons:

*  Capital outlay of around $85 for supplements, most of which I now regard as unnecessary

*  Loss of will to live following consumption of chlorophyll and aloe vera shots; severe malaise upon contemplation of drinking Vibrant Cleanse swamp water until I discovered the secret recipe of two scoops of green powder in 1.5 cups of water; combo platter of boredom and despair by Day 5 upon facing another day of nothing but shakes and big-ass salad

*  Man, it takes a while to make all those shakes, plus I failed to consume the full complement of daily veggies prescribed.  Just. Too. Much. By Day 3, I subbed out the broccoli, zucchini, and yellow squash and added an entire avocado and bag of artichokes to the nightly salad and experienced a modicum of  joy

*  Constant sense of chilliness following endless consumption of cold shakes on wintry days; loss of energy on Days 2, 3 and 5, constant low-level caffeine withdrawal headache until I cheated on Days 4 and 5 with a cup of coffee. Also excessive “windiness”, as beloved family members can sadly attest

So would I do it again?  Yes, with the following modifications.  If I can’t find chlorophyll without all that salt in it, I’d bag it.  If I can’t find a better tasting aloe (and I’ve since found that there are flavored versions), I’d bag that too; the one I purchased tastes distressingly like my colonoscopy prep.  I continue to be mystified by the spendy pH drops.  Why are we constantly trying to make our water alkaline if all the shake recipes call for acidic lemon, lime, oranges, and grapefruit?  Confusion. The $7 Himalayan salt (why, GOOPsters, why?) was ridiculous; the recipes called for a mere “pinch” and while I love the pretty pink crystals, the cost and stomping carbon footprint make it a fail.  I’ll finish up my spendy Vibrant Green powder my way, instead of trying to choke down 1 scoop in 1 liter of water, which is just cruel.  But it was a huge novelty to lose so much weight without ever feeling remotely hungry.  And while I was at first obsessed with what I couldn’t have, by the end when I pictured post-cleanse feasts, I couldn’t picture myself gobbling my usual beloved crap treats.  I’m sure this will pass, but again, a great novelty to have a big barrel of Trader Joe’s chocolate-covered Dunkers nearby and think:  Eh.  All in all, while I can’t claim higher energy, I actually felt better:  cleaner, more alive.  And I’ll miss these Magic Scale days.

xxoo,

Betsy